scribblings

All day i sit in front of a comp, checking emails, listening to music, reading stuff related to research, music, every other crap i get intersted in, writing things, doing math, doing experiments, blah blah blah...

I go on walks, talk to people, sing myself (very badly) somtimes...

Whatever i do, at the end of the day, if i sit down and analyse why i do all this and for what i do all this? i end up finding no answer. It all leads into a blank space.

Well do i do things for getting a Ph D? or for getting Food, Shelter and Clothing? or is it for anything else which i can define as a possible goal?

While thinking of it all, none of these questions individually or collectively reach anywhere closer to giving a fulfilling answer. There still is a huge blank beyond all these questions as to one lives.

Where does my life lead me?

to become a Ph D doctor?

and then?

more research and/or teach?

and then?

it goes on and on.. for every question and answer there will be an and then? right after it.

and then?

Today was the most embarassing moment of my life.

This evening, I was on my way back to the hostel walking along with a good buddy who was cycling along. We were as usual talking all sorts of things like as usual as it happens when two good friends talk. Talk went on all the way from Classical Music to Campus Publications to Acads to Profs and Departments.

We were discussing about profs and our man asks about faculty and i was telling him they are all good but there are a few of them and used the four letter f letter word to describe them, when just in front of us, i find a Prof of my dept walking just in front of us. I just had the biggest shock of my life. Though he is one of the coolest men around, i just turned fully pale. He did not turn back, but i am sure he knows it is me. I just vanished to the other side of the road and just walked past him in a jiffy. Though nothing happened then, i m sure i m gonna have tough time sometime in the future.

This is when i am reminded of the BoFi and his good friend Radio, amongst others who in the recent past had adviced me not to use the four lettered f word very profoundly. I hope to atleast from now on avoid.

I am still worried of being roasted sometime in the future. People pray for me.

Plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Obligatory Info-bits:

This good friend Radio, for some reason hopefully known to him, calls me a GULT TEENAGER. Personally, the first word in the expression is considered an abuse but the second is a compliment taken in spirits good enough to wink off the abusive part.

For a dozen days ending with sunday last, i was at home or rather i had to stay at home for my pain back.

I was diagnosed of Spina bifida which apparently is some sort of a congenital deformity in the vertebral column. I was advised bed rest, with some analgesic and hot water fermentation. To top it all i was asked to wear this rather painful belt called the LS Belt (LumbarSacro and not anything else...) I for the same reason for not able to comfortably sit or stand or lie-down.

Every day was very very hard to push. Being HOME ALONE was probably good fun for Macaulay Culkin, but i would vehmently differ, for it was the most painful set of days as of now. The mornings till mom left for work were atleast a bit lively with some kutti talk with her and giving her hell of a time. Once she escapes off to office, i was left with nothing at all. Nothing on TV, nothing on Radio, cant sit on comp for it was not booting. Nothing left to read on the Newspaper and the mags which come in. I was forced to kill time with TV and deep thought.

Truly christened the Idiot Box, i still do not understand what people find to stay glued to it. Only thing that was tolerable to watch was some cartoons on this channel called POGO, and this was also not helping to push time for more than an hour a day. Giving another hour for a rather loooooooooong lunch, i still had half a dozen hours at my disposal for nothing.

With CAS (Conditional Access System) casting its spell on this god-forsaken city of Chennai, one was left with only some vernacular channels which have a 50 yr old hero dancing with a 20ish heroine all the time. Even the News channels had the same old wine every hour. At the end of the day, one could just read along with the guy on TV. Good old Doordarshan which anyway comes everywhere actually prooved to be better in giving some stuff which were atleast worth watching.

The Radio be it Prasar Bharati stuff or the FM Mirchi and Suriyan, the same old film songs and nothing intersant.

I just had to see free space for quite a long time everyday till i found somebody coming back from work/school which would not usually happen till it is late in the evening.

My gosh it was nightmarish at home to stay with nothing else to do. I do not wish to have such spells of Tutenkhamen striking me.

I just was waiting to come back to Insti, though not cured yet, i m just wishing that i donot have to stay at home all alone for such long intervals of time.